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I entered back into the world of counseling. But this time it was different, my counselor didn’t make me feel guilty for all the things I wasn’t doing. Just the opposite of guilt, she helped me to see that God loved me just the way I was. And that there was nothing I could do to make Him love me more or love me less. He loves me.
It was hard for me to truly accept what she was saying. There had always been this idea in my head that I needed to work to please God. I needed to be a certain way, believe certain things, and act like a Christian. I was good at being a Christian and doing missions. I had read the bible several times, had a Masters of Arts in Christian Education, read all the important books, attended the conferences, and even wore the t-shirts. I was Christian.
My counselor asked me to read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers and every morning to listen to “How he Love Us” from Kim Walker. She encouraged me to stop trying to work for God’s approval but to rest in his love.
My heart began to transform.
The book Redeeming Love broke me at so many different levels. I spent late nights reading and weeping. It hit emotions that had been tucked deep away and brought them up from my soul like an explosive fountain. I could identify with the main character in the story. I knew her pain, shame, anger, unbelief, and sense of entitlement.
My counselor shared that it is God’s kindness that leads to repentance. That statement was revolutionary.
Oh, the freedom! Yes, freedom from bondage.
Finally, I didn’t have to perform for God. I didn’t have to perform for the world. It wasn’t about me and what I could do. It was about being and believing Him at His word. Resting in Him. Enjoying Him. It was like meeting a new God. I was telling everyone about this new found relationship (giving a great big hug to God in a photoshoot that Shane was doing for my blog).
During this time, I began to trust God. It took time for me to see that He didn’t want to harm me and that He wanted to love that little girl that was lost and searching for grace.
I began to live by faith and not by works. My heart changed. I trusted Him.
And I began to trust my husband…
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”